- Fragmentation -

English - B3



...




It didn't matter whether I had 6 distinctions or not.




I couldn't beat my brother.




I couldn't meet my expectation.




I knew my parents would be disappointed.




I became furious.




I wanted to scream at God.




I walked on stage to the area before the cross, and I knelt down.




I did this because I made a promise with Yang Shen I would pray to God no matter what my results were.




I started with... :




"God. You know I am not happy..."




I then continued to pour out my angst emotions.




But eventually I managed to tell Him that I would accept this result.




However, as soon as I finished my prayer, I went back to being angry.




I felt horrible, uptight, enraged, confused and sad all at once.




Why couldn't he let me clear this hurdle with the results I wanted??




Why do I always have to fall short??





I half wanted to cry and half wanted to tell God off.




But I managed not to.




I spent the rest of the late afternoon sulking before I finally went to church.




Before worship practice, there was a time of sharing.




There were a few other J1s, and they each praised God for their wonderful results.




I also told the band my situation, and told them I may not be able to practice for worship nor lead this Sunday as I felt so wrong with God.




But somehow, somewhere, sometime I knew I had to settle it with Him again.




So before the practice started, I asked the worship leader to give me some time off.




I took a bible and went to the side of the Hall.




And before I could round the bend, I had already started crying.




I fell to my knees and buried my face within my arms.




At that moment, I had a feeling of all emotions at once.




I wanted to tell God everything, yet at the same time, nothing.




I hadn't cried in years, and everytime I wanted to the tears wouldnt come.




But last night, I couldnt stop myself.





And there, in the quietness of the hall, I poured my heart out to God.



I flipped open the bible and found myself at Psalm 66.

"8 Praise our God, O peoples,
let the sound of his praise be heard;

9 he has preserved our lives
and kept our feet from slipping.

10 For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.

11 You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.

12 You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance.

16 Come and listen, all you who fear God;
let me tell you what he has done for me.

17 I cried out to him with my mouth;
his praise was on my tongue.

18 If I had cherished sin in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened;

19 but God has surely listened
and heard my voice in prayer.

20 Praise be to God,
who has not rejected my prayer
or withheld his love from me!"

The moment I read that, tears streamed anew.




Who am I?? That God should care about me??




Who am I? That God should love me??




Who am I?? That the almighty God's only son would die for me???





Who am I?? That my sins should be forgiven??





At that moment I realised what an idiot I was.




It wasn't like I couldnt stay in ACJC.




I still was in comfortably.




And I had no reason to complain.




None at all.






God is God and I am not...




I can only see a part of the picture He's painting..




God is God and I am man...




Guess I'll never understand..





For only God is God..