- what is bliss? -

I don't know.


Why am I trying so hard to solve someone else's problem before my own??


Is it out of true care and concern?


At a level of good friendship??


Or is it because of something else..


Maybe altruism?


Or something deeper.. something emotional...


I don't know.


I'll never know..


And I don't want to make any wild guesses anymore..


Every single previous time has been a wild guess..


And although at the start I'm so sure I'm right, it always turns out wrong in the end.


Why did I keep throwing myself into something I still nurse the wounds of??


But this time is different isn't it?


It's different.. it really is..


It had to be for the recent events to have unfolded the way they did..


It feels completely different from every past try.. and I think it might have a different result for this once... and I can say with more certainty that it feels.. right.


But then again I'm not 100% sure...


And it's always easy to reason out something and believe in it.


And lies are terribly easy to believe it too right??


I don't know.


Back to about me, am I trying to avoid something??


Am I putting on a facade by leaving aside the problem, or will I put on more of the steeple if I were to delve into it and try solving it...


Every single previous time I've tried to solve it.. it ended back at square one again..


And I'm just getting so sick and tired of trying to put up a false front.


I've learnt all too well that I can't make people adjust to what I want them to be, and concurrently, I can't adjust to what other people want of me.


Adjust in the fullest sense of the word.


I feel as if I've evolved.. yet at the same time shrunk..


I feel so big, yet so small.


With the gravity of academics slapping me so hard...


I can't believe the audacity I had to expect what I did..


I'm a total idiot..


I have been a total idiot for the past 5 years of my life to make the same mistake again and again..


What now shall I do?


Pick myself up and take each day as it comes?


But with each new day I carry the worries of the previous one along with me??


I don't have a choice I guess...


Life gets so much more complicated from here on..


I don't know.