break-point

Isn't it funny how you never realise how fragile you were?


You think you are strong, able to hide behind a facade of self-ignorance, laughter and pride..


While at the same time subconsiously aware that you are selfish, irresponsible and an exploiter..


And how you arrive at break point suddenly when what built up over months and years suddenly explodes on you and causes you to implode...


And for those next few moments you feel like the shittiest most rotten undeserving garbage that isn't worthy of anything and the world would be better off without..


That's exactly how I felt yesterday..


I broke down..


Bad...


What I didn't foresee coming all at once plummeted me straight in the face, though it took some time...


And to be able to do naught but bury myself in my tee shirt, drenching it almost instantly with tears, mucus and saliva... in my own corner of the bed between sparoidic coughs and gasps of air..


And the weirdest part was... everything was right.


No false accusations...


Just oneself to blame and abhor..


At that point knowing the all to painful reality.. that I have to change.


I can't rely on others no longer...


It's time to get on my own feet and move ahead, this time helping others...


It's a cold and cruel world out there, and at some point no one is going to be able to be there for me... and to stand tall I have to start now.


Yes I am fully aware I have God too, I'll never forget that...


And yesterday after I finally managed to get a grip of myself...


I started worshipping...


I just played one song over and over again...


And started crying to the point that I was unable to sing and just let the music play on...


The song is "Forever" by Hillsong...


And I know that... God is forever.. forgiving and merciful... and I can't thank Him enough...



I'll worship at Your throne
Whisper my own love song
With all my heart I'll sing
For You my Dad and King

I'll live for all my days
To put a smile on Your face
And when we finally meet
It'll be for eternity

And ohh...
How wide You open up Your arms
When I need Your love
How far You would come
If ever I was lost...
You said that all You'd feel for me
Was undying love
That You showed me through the cross

I worship You my God
I worship You my God
I love You
I love You
Forever I will sing
Forever I will be with You
Be with You

And ohh...
How wide You open up Your arms
When I need Your love
How far You would come
If ever I was lost...