into Your hands.. i commit again

Father, I'm scared.


The fear grips me each day.

I'm scared of failing.

I'm scared of falling.

I'm scared of disappointing.

I'm scared of being less than what You want me to be.

I'm scared of being nothing.

I'm scared of losing.

I'm scared of the A Levels.


Father, I'm scared.


I'm scared that I can't take it.

I'm scared that I'll just give up.

I'm scared that it'll be too hard.

I'm scared that I'll bring my own downfall.

I'm scared that I'll fail again, and again...

I'm scared that I'll fall flat of my expectations for the third time running.

I'm scared that I'll be looked down upon.

I'm scared of not being adequate enough.


Father, I'm scared.


I'm scared that the path ahead is too steep.

I'm scared that all my life I'll be taking the easy way out.

I'm scared that I'll always have to depend on others.

I'm scared that I'll be too distracted.

I'm scared that this is the end of my dream.

I'm scared that I won't be able to manage everything.

I'm scared that I'll be the last few.

I'm scared that I just can't do it.

I'm scared that I'll be crushed.


Father, I'm scared.


I'm scared of the future.

I'm scared of where I'll be.

I'm scared of what I'll be.

I'm scared of who I'll be.


Father, I'm scared.


I need Your divine strength.

I need Your divine wisdom.

I need Your divine knowledge.

I need Your divine understanding.

I need Your divine perseverance.

I need Your divine mercy.

I need Your divine help.

I need Your divine joy.

I need Your divine peace.

I need Your divine love.


I need You.


Father, I need to not be scared.

That's why I'm committing myself into Your hands again.

For I don't want to do anything by myself anymore.

I can't do anything by myself.

Only in You are all things possible.


Father, because of You, I won't be scared any longer.


Amen.

would you take what you need? but take less than you give...

I've recently come to be aware of something about me I can't explain..

Well, yeah there are plenty of things but I guess this is the only different thing on my mind now..

Putting it simply:
- I have a knack to give to people who come along asking me for money [ be it tissue paper sellers at coffee shops, people doing flag day, or people who try to sell things for their organisation at mrts, particularly orchard]

Okay so maybe calling it a 'knack' might not be the best word, but for lack of a better one for now.

I'm saying this cause as I was on the way to my dental at Orchard after the uber long ocip meeting in school, [i wass late for my appointment already], as I passed the inner doors of the mrt station this young lady wearing a white blouse and jeans approached me.


"Excuse me sir, I'm from so & so and I would like to talk to you about our...."


Very nicely ignoring the fact that I had my earphones plugged in..

But anyway, I never have my music on very loud so I could hear her pretty clearly...

Well putting up my hand to gesture no, while ocntinuing to walk and trying to mouth no thanks, my eye caught sight of two words printed on the clipboard with the organisation papers she was half shoving into my face...

"blah_blah_organisation to help ex-convicts...."

Having noticed I actually took notice of her existence, and maybe cos the look on my face changed a bit, [and maybe because I felt it was plain rude to walk away while someone was talking to me], she sort of said in a fluster:


"will you just stop and listen to me..."


Okay, so maybe I should, and turn to look at her, noticing the green contacts she was wearing. Top marks for looking out-of-this-world I might say.

The look in her eyes too, one quite blatantly readable: Oh crap! Did I just push him too far by saying that?!?! Will it work this time!?!?

Then she went on to cyberspeed everything she was trying to do, her mission and whatnot; me being mentally burdened cos I don't like to be late and I just wanted to get his over with, so basically all I caught was:


".... you don't believe I'm an ex convict right???..... so & so helped me gave me an opportnity... would you like to help by purchasing a pen? [ahh here it is] only $2..."


Oh well.. since I stopped to listen to her, though not understanding anything, I might as well just pay for it... Besides, I did an entire PW PROJECT last year on helping ex-convicts, and I'd just be a plain hypocrite to not assist them now...

Well.. moving on from there, thoughts started flooding into my mind of stuff I've diliberated about over the years...


My mom always tells me not to donate to these kinds of people, preferring to donate straight to charitable organisations via check to their office or sth... and constantly shows me articles of how some people are actually fake and are there to bluff money away from me.. how they always come back to beg for more even though people have donated to them...

But this kind of goes against what I believe in... The Word.. and my heart...

To me it's like this... so what if they might be fake? And use the money for drugs or gambling or drinking?? I'll never know that fully right??

Who am I to judge if they are scheming or not?

And did not the Word say it is more blessed to give than to receive? And to give to the poor and needy??

Well they certainly look needy to me, and I don't recall Jesus turning any beggars away...

Yeah...

I don't know.. kinda cheesy to say this I guess... but my heart doesn't feel right when I walk by some person trying to get help, and the least I can do is to offer what I can... especially so when they make the effort to come personally to ask me..

That, for some reason, I can't turn away...


Pffft. Call me breakable, I guess...

and so the world is round

Alright. Guess I'm finally back.

Sorry for not being around for 186578936891274806130312 light years, guess my trip around the universe took longer than expected.

So, my music Red iPod Blog player is not working, guess I can't really complain about that... Well, now for just some things I brought back in my round-universe-trip.

I must say it's highly exciting to meet so many different type of people in my life. It does add quite a myriad of colour to my social circle which I must say expands faster then I'd like to go in depth to.

And I must say my heart is taking quite the journey in the dimension of love, or rather infatuations and liking for that matter, rollercoastering me left/right/centre/up/down/around... and it gets quite interesting sometimes, when I stop to think of the fickleness of the human emotion, how it can be so easily swayed... but...

I guess it's not right to jam the brakes just anywhere yet. Not for quite a while I think.

But aside from that I'm trying really hard to find myself now.

It's so easy to get caught up in so many things and lose track of what I really want to be, in life, in love, in God, to people...

And I get hopelessly lost sometimes, much more so than I ever have been when I was younger..

I guess I'm starting to understand some of the problems grown ups really face... those that I really couldnt put 2 and 2 together just 2 years ago.

And it doesn't help that the mountain of the A Levels in front of me is really hard to climb.

But oh well, no point treading the easy path when you can rock climb the most challenging route to the top, cos the easy path doesn't bring you there.

Haha I do realise I have been quoting quite a lot recently. I just like to say some things now, quotes or shout outs to people or just general sayings, and I'm not sure if anyone Great has said these things, but I don't care, I've come up with them. Whether or not it applies to me, you figure.


1) All is fair in the game of love and war. Some are just unlucky.

2) When you've liked whoever that is to be liked, you'll find you've liked none at all.

3) I'm looking for the one who's heart can ignite with mine; for God; for life.
Yours doesn't.

4) It would have been great if you changed without me having to tell you.

5) You're so fairytale it doesn't amaze me. [fairytales are meant to be amazing right?]

6) I don't know what's beyond the material you. Immaterial?

7) Excelling at anything involves you thinking really hard, save being stupid.

8) I've fallen enough times to stop short of landing my face in the mud again, but that doesn't mean I've stopped slipping.

9) Ignorance of wrong things is bliss. Ignorance of the wrong thing is not.

10) Don't you dare say I loved you. You don't know what love is if you think I did.

11) If you think you've met the right person at the wrong time, come back later to find out if you're right.

Okay that's all for now, till next time yeah?? Hope my quotes aren't cheesy XP
bye!