The Weakness In My Strength

Dear Jesus,

I feel like a fool.

I feel so unworthy and undeserving as I go about it everyday.

I feel as if I'm not making the most of what you've given me, and I can't bring myself to understand why.

Dear Jesus,

I'm talking about the friends you've given to me, but I'm sure You knew that already.

Somehow throughout the course of my life I've not been able to cherish those who mean so much to me.

I've not been able to do the things that stereotypical "great" friends do, and on the contrary, most of the things I do are so shitty compared to what they've done for me.

Sometimes when the fault is so much mine I try to reason that it's not at all, that maybe they are the ones who need to consider themselves.

Dear Jesus,

I feel like a downright hypocrite.

Why do I go on doing this even in the face of true friendship shown to me? Such friendship that I never knew nor ever believed existed till I experienced it?

I seem to be everything that is an antonym of altruism.

Do I pursue friends for the purpose of my own gain??

The closer I get for the more they could help me?

I don't know.

On one hand it does, yet on the other hand it doesn't.

Dear Jesus,

I feel so much like a Judas right now.

I'm apparently so much thirsting after You, being in Your presence and worshipping You, yet will I turn away at what the world offers?

Would I betray my friends for selfish ambitions and personal gain?

Will I just become one of the world in all her foolish and wicked ways?

I don't know.

I really don't want to but I don't know.

Guess this is what they call the ever constant temptation of the world.

Dear Jesus,

Could it be because of my upbringing?

That I never had friends who really cared and shared with each other till mid-sec school?

But even then, I've been given plenty the chance to learn, very many times.

Can I say then that it's because the kind of close friendship that was shared was one that didn't need much expression? Sort of an intuitive kinda thing.

But as ever, I shoot myself in the heart.

I know that actions speak so much louder than words, and it's me who's not doing anything just about all the time.

shit.

Dear Jesus,

It's so enticing to say that You don't really understand me at all, that You haven't been through what I've been through cos You've lived Your life differently and are of no help to me.

But then I'd just shoot myself again.

You had it the worst.

I guess the only difference between the two of us was that You chose to give each and every single time without fail.

And I didn't.

You knew exactly why You did everything.

I don't know why I'm doing anything, given that I do anything at all.

Dear Jesus,

What will become of the future?

Will I just leave so many friends behind like I have in the past?

Will I just let them slide away because of my ignorance?

Will I even care??

Will I be hated?

Will they forgive me?

Will You forgive me?

Dear Jesus,

I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't.

I need to not think so much; to think less, and to do more.

Somehow I always think of the worst, and that brings me to do and not do so many things that move me in the wrong direction.

Dear Jesus,

Will you please show me what to do?

please