- Flash..BacK -

I aws reading in the Newpaper about the Serangoon shootings the other day.



Where the hitman put a loaded gun to the business man's wife's head, and pulled the trigger.




But nothing came out.




My friend and I were discussing about how it's one of those moments where life flashes through your mind.




And the agony of having to go through that.




But I've been thinking..




What exactly goes through your mind then??




A real flashback??




All your life's achievements/regrets??





All the pain/sorrow/joy??




Your family, friends, home??




Or would it be just a single thought??





Something along the lines of:





"OH MY GOD, SAVE ME, SAVE ME!!!!!!"





Or would you just me numb in the moment, unable to comprehend your situation??





I myself have been in such a situation.




It happened to me twice in my younger days...





And I have tried my best to forget those traumatizing memories..





Which sometimes still plays back in my mind.





I'm not talking about the kind of situation where your friend saves you from being battered lifeless by a car whilst you were blindly jaywalking.




Nor when lightning struck beside you.





Nor when you got a cramp in the middle of a liquid body and almost drowned.





I'm referring to the situation where someone tries to kill you.





Be it consciously or unconsciously, you find yourself fighting for your life.




You find adrenaline in overdrive, kicking in through your entire body.




You're in a position where the other party must cease all activity somehow or you'd really be dead.





You find yourself screaming for all that's worth, if you could.





"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"





"HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPP......"




"Heeelllppp........"




"please..."





My friend tried to drown me.





She was a little unsound of mind, and our families went swimming together.





We were near the side of the deep pool, and if I remember correctly, she had lost her float.





Or maybe something else...





Anyway she starts clinging to me for dear life.





At first I thought she was just playing.





But she wasn't.





Stratching me and trying to grapple me.





And of course not being able to support both our weights, I tried to push her off.




But to no avail.




Everything happened.




I kicked, punched, scratched.




She grabed, pushed me further down and kicked alot too.




I fought for air like I never knew I had before.




She still weighed me down.




All I needed was to reach the surface for a gasp of air.





But she wasn't letting that happen.





Well, you want to know what went through my mind then???





It wasn't a flashback to think of my family and my life.




There was simply no time for that.




Instead, all my mind was screaming was..





"GOOOOOOODDD!!!!!!!! SAVE ME!!! I CAN'T DIE HERE!!!! I CAN'T!!! OH MY GOODNESS HELPP ME!!!!"




And I seriously was out of air.




I knew then that I could not save myself anymore.




I was barely able to fight anymore.





I just gave one last mighty stoke upward, and let myself go...





Knowing I'd be probably pushed downward again.




And the thought at that moment was..




"God, I may be a sinner, but bring me into heaven... but I want to live"




But I broke broke the surface into the caring eyes of my uncle.




He was shouting at someone, I wasnt processing who yet.




But reality set in a few spilt-seconds after.




He was shouting at my friend to stop.





He then reached out his hand and grabbed me out of the pool, to safe, secure dry land.






I didn't dare to go near any pools for quite a while.




And I have tried since then to forget about the memory, to quite some avail.





Now I guess I can safely fish the memory back, for it's just one of those moments I must thank God for saving me.





It also serves today's purpose, that life really doesnt flash through your mind in the eyes of death.





Unless of course you are dying of old-age, or due to gradual processes in which you have a long time to think.






Other than that, you will be wanting to live.




No matter who is dear to you, you will want to be saved, and live on.




That desire will override all other thoughts.





Or at least in my case.

- Fragmentation -

English - B3



...




It didn't matter whether I had 6 distinctions or not.




I couldn't beat my brother.




I couldn't meet my expectation.




I knew my parents would be disappointed.




I became furious.




I wanted to scream at God.




I walked on stage to the area before the cross, and I knelt down.




I did this because I made a promise with Yang Shen I would pray to God no matter what my results were.




I started with... :




"God. You know I am not happy..."




I then continued to pour out my angst emotions.




But eventually I managed to tell Him that I would accept this result.




However, as soon as I finished my prayer, I went back to being angry.




I felt horrible, uptight, enraged, confused and sad all at once.




Why couldn't he let me clear this hurdle with the results I wanted??




Why do I always have to fall short??





I half wanted to cry and half wanted to tell God off.




But I managed not to.




I spent the rest of the late afternoon sulking before I finally went to church.




Before worship practice, there was a time of sharing.




There were a few other J1s, and they each praised God for their wonderful results.




I also told the band my situation, and told them I may not be able to practice for worship nor lead this Sunday as I felt so wrong with God.




But somehow, somewhere, sometime I knew I had to settle it with Him again.




So before the practice started, I asked the worship leader to give me some time off.




I took a bible and went to the side of the Hall.




And before I could round the bend, I had already started crying.




I fell to my knees and buried my face within my arms.




At that moment, I had a feeling of all emotions at once.




I wanted to tell God everything, yet at the same time, nothing.




I hadn't cried in years, and everytime I wanted to the tears wouldnt come.




But last night, I couldnt stop myself.





And there, in the quietness of the hall, I poured my heart out to God.



I flipped open the bible and found myself at Psalm 66.

"8 Praise our God, O peoples,
let the sound of his praise be heard;

9 he has preserved our lives
and kept our feet from slipping.

10 For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.

11 You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.

12 You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance.

16 Come and listen, all you who fear God;
let me tell you what he has done for me.

17 I cried out to him with my mouth;
his praise was on my tongue.

18 If I had cherished sin in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened;

19 but God has surely listened
and heard my voice in prayer.

20 Praise be to God,
who has not rejected my prayer
or withheld his love from me!"

The moment I read that, tears streamed anew.




Who am I?? That God should care about me??




Who am I? That God should love me??




Who am I?? That the almighty God's only son would die for me???





Who am I?? That my sins should be forgiven??





At that moment I realised what an idiot I was.




It wasn't like I couldnt stay in ACJC.




I still was in comfortably.




And I had no reason to complain.




None at all.






God is God and I am not...




I can only see a part of the picture He's painting..




God is God and I am man...




Guess I'll never understand..





For only God is God..

- Rules -

Here are some wise words from my brother, my epitome role-model.



Golden Rules for getting in a relationship in a Junior College.


Rule No. 1:
- Don't get attached within the first three months.


~ This is one of the STUPIDEST things one can do.
~ You might not be there after three months or the other party might not.
~ Getting attached so early isolates you from the rest of the world.



Rule No. 2:
- Do not get attached to someone from your class.


~ It's always better to be with someone whom you don't see around too often.
~ If not it makes it really hard to keep the relationship long-term.
~ It's also more special, like specifically meet the other person for recess.



Rule No. 3:
- Try not to get attached for as long as possible.


~ This is pretty much the same as rule no. 1.
~ Remember, the faster you get attached, the more obscure view of the world you will have.
~ Not too good if you miss out on someone better.




These are just three basic golden rules.



If followed, your relationship in JC should be pretty fruitful.



But of course, the best is to wait till the Lord wills for you to be in one.