- Conundrum Continuum -

The keymaker made every door.




But not every door knows the keymaker.




Some refuse to acknowledge His existence.





Some can't really be bothered to find out.




Some are really good friends with the keymaker,




And everytime He walked by one such door, He'd smile.





The bigger the smile, the better the relationship.





I know for certain the keymaker wouldn't guide me to a door which didn't know Him.





He wants to be acknowledge.





He's done so much for each and every door in His own special and wonderful way.





Sometimes, factors lead to searchers pointing the door to the keymaker.





And through that the door may get to be good buddies with the keymaker.




But that unfortunately, is hardly often the case.




I really wish to enter one such aperture which the keymaker adores.




Of course He adores all, but those who don't acknowledge Him can't feel His adoration.





An egress that desires Him back, that's what I really want.





That's what I'll wait for.





In the hope that this one will be one of the few rare cases.





Of course if it so happens to decide the keymaker doesn't exist in the end,





I am going to close the door.





That's my promise to the keymaker.





He deserves every bit of my adoration too.





For now, however,




I think I just might have a change of mind...





Lemme try..





Progressive Focusing..

- Emotional Playground -

I wish I had a private journal.




One which I can create restricted access to.




For what I have to post sometimes are very personal to me.




Then again, what if a part of me still wanted that someone/s to discover my thoughts??





I don't know.





I've been feeling increasingly angry with myself this past couple of days.





For reasons which I myself struggle with.





Secular and non-secular.





On what if I myself am hovering near self-denial and destruction whilst the opposite has absolutely no idea what is going on?





What if I'm jumping to so many conclusions and give up before anything can start??





Why am I so physched that it has to be all or nothing?!?





Is that not the rule for everything??





But wait... it is all or nothing..




All or Nothing.





Let me begin.




It would be good if you have read my post quite some time back on:




"The exit door leads in"





For I'm going to speak from a point of view where I am in that building again.




That intangible yet emotionally gripping mind of infrastructure.





I'm sorry, let me start.





And I'm also sorry if you do not understand my metaphors, if you really do want to know, ask.





Here we go.





I recently entered a new corridor of doors.





Many doors had encouraging notes on them, many doors weren't to my liking, and many doors seemed alien to me.





Of course in this endless stream of doors, some did seem to have some prospect.





It so happened that as I progressed through this new corridor, ever in search of the one that leads out, I came across one particular one.





At first sight, it was simply stunning to behold.





Pretty, gorgeous, and it seemed made of quite mature material.





Guessing that what probably lay behind might be too much for me to comprehend, I thought that it might be better to move on.





Acknowledging the beauty of it, I started to continue on.





But for some strange reason, that door suddenly seemed so warm and inviting.





And I stood there for a moment to ponder the possibility.





Not really learning from my past mistakes, if this were to be one, I thought:




"Hey, why not?!? This is as close to a dream as any other!"





Thus I spent quite awhile discovering it and the key to it.





With part of that settled, I decided to open the door.





Ever so slowly.





And as usual, I failed to consult the giver of keys.





I simply snatched it from His hand.





He didn't stop me.




He just stood at the side while I tried to enter this whole new dimension.





That's the thing about Him.





He never lets me know which is the right door.




He always asks me to wait for His time when He will hand me the one key to the door that will lead me out.





But as always I grow impatient, and can't care less.




Why??



I won't say I don't know.




IN fact I know full well.




I look across to other buildings, and I can see my friends out of one door or another.




Each of them in their own emotional playground.




One played with one so much till the playground relocated and he went off to find another.




But as always, neither of them has found the way out beyond the playground.




Because beyond the playground is always another door.





And a one of of an infinite number of times, the passageway leads back to the endless corridors.




I guess it's cos I want to enjoy myself too, that's why I find myself at the brink of the new horizon.




Anyway in my hands the key, and I have already opened the door.




Not fully yet, but big enough to get a detailed idea of whats behind.




At first, the surroundings looked pretty neat, and I thought that just maybe, beyond this door I can get out!!




But experience tells me to take things slowly.




So I did.




But still not slow enough.




For due to some reason, I can barely make out what's behind.




It appears to be this way, yet it very well might be another.



And for some reason, I can't see everything clearly.




If I want to, I'd have to move through the door and close it behind me.




And by then, it would be all or nothing.




Anyway, I can barely make out what's behind.




And to be very frank, I've never faced so many uncertainties before.




I don't want to step in too quick.




What if I badly hurt myself playing inside again?




What if I the playground has rides to fast for me??




Or as it more likely seems, the rides can't keep up with my desired pace.




It also seems that the playground does not have many things in common with the inner me.




and..




and..




standing at the doorstep..



I feel like closing it...



But what if I had seen everything wrongly??




What if I close the door on a totally mind-blowing experience??




What if the playground really wants me to be there yet I am too afraid to step in and lose to key to it forever??




So many thoughts in my head at once.




And as I look up to the bright, blinding sun, I wish it'd give me an answer.




Suddenly I'm all angry again at myself.




Maybe I shouldn't think so much!!




Maybe if I just walked on beyond all doors the exit sign will be there.




I sigh and continue to look at what's beyond the door.




I really do hope something will work out.




But I'm afraid, so afraid.




I turn aside and stare into the eyes of the keymaker.




His gaze is forever one me.



Forever.




They seem so, so apathetic, but sad in some way.




And caring too.





I want to ask Him, but I know His answer will always be the same.




So..




Here I stand...




At the doorstep of such a wonderfully designed door and beyond...




Still contemplating if I should go in or not..




*sigh*




right now..




I feel like closing it...

- Mine Corona -

I have a terrible habit.




It's contagious - to me.




It's insanely hard to control.




It's like and ever expanding virus, and I wish sometimes I didn't have this.




It's the kinda habit that bonds everyone else yet breaks myself down.





It's the kinda habit that connects with few people.





These people are usually exact opposites of myself.





Were I to meet someone similar, a clash is bound to happen.





And I'd have to try even harder to break the tension.





This habit excalates socializing, yet detaches me from my past intimates.





I will tell you what it is now.




It is my ability to socialize.




I like challenging myself.





I love placing myself in an environment whereby the people I know are the least.




And see how long it takes me to get to the top.





Many experiences in my past have shown me that there are countless ways to the top.




And one of the best ways is to be outright bold.




Many many many many other factors and behaviours are also essential to make oneself seem innocent yet you know you want something.




Unfortunately I cannot share this for this habit is highly dangerous.




To place all the above in simple terms,




- I like making new friends
- I like having a high position of responsibility
- I like sucking up
- I can bring a group of people who don't know each other to be close friends with each other within a matter of days
- And I have the mannerisms to acheive the above easily.



Advantage in a nutshell:

~ I can easily be a friend of all.




Now to why it is so deadly.




I don't want to be what I define myself as.




I don't purposely suck up.




I haven't experienced everything yet - more often than not I find myself having to compromise.




Or be the laughing stock for doing something wrong.




And my biggest problem is...




Should I not meet a perfect opposite...





I might be able to adapt, but not be able to blend.





Which means..




I can be a friend of all, yet a buddy of none.



And in the end, if were to come by the day where I really meet no opposite or my compromising tactics fail...




I will be all alone..




That is why..




I should stop..




But then again...




Having the world revolve around me can be quite tempting...




*sigh*

- Soak This -

Right, guess by retarded bout is over.



I came across this in an email recently.




I don't know if you've read it, but I did someplace some time ago.



But reading it again really makes alot of difference doesn't it?!?




Read only if you have time for God



When I received this, e-mail, I thought...




I don't have time for this...




Then, I realized that this kind of thinking is exactly what has caused lot of the problems in our world today.





We try to keep God in church on Sunday morning...




Maybe, Sunday night...





And, the unlikely event of a midweek service.




We do like to have Him around during sickness...




And, of course, at funerals.



However, we don't have time, or room, for Him during work or play...




Because that's the part of our lives we think we can, and should, handle on our own.




May God forgive me for ever thinking...




That there is a time or place where...




HE is not to be FIRST in my life.





We should always have time to remember all HE has done for us.




There once was a man named George Thomas, pastor in a small New England town.




One Easter Sunday morning he came to the Church carrying a rusty, bent, old bird cage, and set it by the pulpit.




Eyebrows were raised and, as if in response, Pastor Thomas began to speak .... "I was walking through town yesterday when I saw a young boy coming toward me swinging this bird cage.




On the bottom of the cage were three little wild birds, shivering with cold and fright.




I stopped the lad and asked, "What you got there, so! n?" "Just some old birds," came the reply.





"What are you gonna do with them?" I asked.






"Take 'em home and have fun with 'em," he answered. "I'm gonna tease 'em and pull out their feathers to make 'em fight. I'm gonna have a real good time."




"But you'll get tired of those birds sooner or later. What will you do?" I asked.




"Oh, I got some cats," said the little boy. "They like birds. I'll take 'em to them."





The pastor was silent for a moment. "How much do you want for those birds, son?"





"Huh??!!! Why, you don't want them birds, mister. They're just plain old field birds. They don't sing. They ain't even pretty!"




"How much?" the pastor asked again.




The boy sized up the pastor as if he were crazy and said, "$10?"





The pastor reached in his pocket and took out a ten dollar bill. He placed it in the boy's hand. In a flash, the boy was gone.




The pastor picked up the cage and gently carried it to the end of the alley where there was a tree and a grassy spot.




Setting the cage down, he opened the door, and by softly tapping the bars persuaded the birds out, setting them free.




Well, that explained the empty bird cage on the pulpit, and then the pastor began to tell this story.





One day Satan and Jesus were having a conversation.





Satan had just come from the Garden of Eden, and he was gloating and boasting.





"Yes, sir, I just caught the world full of people down there. Set me a trap, used bait I knew they couldn't resist. Got 'em all!"





"What are you going to do with them?" Jesus asked.





Satan replied, "Oh, I'm gonna have fun! I'm gonna teach them how to marry and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse each other, how to drink and smoke and curse. I'm gonna teach them how to invent guns and bombs and kill each other. I'm really gonna have fun!"





"And what will you do when you get done with them?" Jesus asked.





"Oh, I'll kill 'em," Satan glared proudly.





"How much do you want for them?" Jesus asked.






"Oh, you don't want those people. They ain't no good. Why, you'll take them and they'll just hate you. They'll spit on you, curse you and kill you. You don't want those people!!"





"How much?" He asked again.





Satan looked at Jesus and sneered, "All your blood, tears and your life."






Jesus said, "YOU HAVE A DEAL!"






Then He paid the price.





The pastor picked up the cage, opened the door and walked from the pulpit.





- The End, now how about you?!?




That's about all I want to share from the email.





There is actually a lot more in the email, and if you want it, ask me for it.

Wheee...

Hmmm I have interesting things to write but I'm getting rather lazy lately.




And I also don't have much time to write!?!




Letsee...




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