- This Is Your Life -

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes

This is your life and today is all you've got now
And today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes

This is your life
Are you who you want to be?
This is your life
Are you who you want to be?
This is your life
Is it everything you've dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger
and you had everything to lose?

Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over bro. it's over.

Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes



How ironic it seems when someone close becomes you for a moment, and you become that someone.
All I can say is..
Don't close your eyes bro..

- one step at a time -

It suddenly occured to me today that Singaporeans are rushing EVERYTHING!!



And the thought came about whilst I was thinking about myself.



We're always in a rush to go here and there, do this and that, be punctual for classes and stuff.



And very seldom do we ever savour a moment to capture the surrounding about us.


Today I went on a date with my mom!!


Haha so deprived right?!?



Haha no lah we just went for lunch at the nearby Cafe Cartel.



After that, for dessert we went next door to try some belgium waffle thingy with gelato at Olivio Dome.



There was just one woman serving, and she was like using her handphone while trying to do handphone, like talking to her boyfriend the whole time or sth.



And she took SUPER DUPER DUPER SUPER LOOOOONG to finally get our orders done.



Like... 25 mins..



If this weren't the school hols, and if I didn't have the whole day to relax and slack, I'd have screamed my head off..



Then when she finally finished, she was like " you have to wait 20 mins for this to be ready!!"



And she said it in a half-pissed voice.



Whooooooo................


suddenly the urge to curse and swear and leave the place and go somewhere else for dessert hit me bad..


Well then that got me thinking about the impatience thingy.



Don't feel like talking too much abt it though.



So after that my mom asked me to walk home first while she went to the post bank to do some stuff.



But I took a little detour to go to Video EZY to pick up some DVDs to watch haha.



WAH SO SAD LAH THE FEARLESS DVD DON'T HAVE ENGLISH SUBTITLES SO I COULDN'T GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!



:(:(:(:(




I got Big Fish and Motorcycle Diaries instead.



Then here comes the interesting part.



Cos I took so long in the shop, by the time I started walking back home, I realised my mother was like...



300 metres ahead of me..



Now I haven't told anyone this before buttt..



The reason I walk so retardedly fast is because of my mother.


She influenced me..



Which naturally means that she walks duperbly fast too.



WOOAAAAHHHH!!!



So there I was, in the hot sun, with a bag of DVDs in one hand and a toilet paper rolls bag in the other trying to catch up with my mom!



I was walking at the fastest speed I could!!



Any faster and I'd be jogging.



And was panting like crazy all the way in my chase to get to her before reaching home.



Too bad my crazy duper effort didn't allow me to!!



She was just too far ahead!!



By the time we reached our house gate another 400 hundred metres from where I spotted her ahead of me she was there about 15 paces in front of me!!



MY 700 METRE CHASE-DOWN WASN'T SUCCESSFULL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!



Haha so retarded.



I couldn't catch up with someone like four times my age.



Or slightly less.



Yarghh..



Think I need to lose somemore weight..

=P

- take you back -

Here's the song on my blog.


Take You Back by Jeremy Camp

the place where our paths crossed.. and from here on out they diverge.

The reason why I stand
The answer lies in you
You hung to make me strong
Though my praise was few
When I fall and bring your name down

it's hard to be with someone when interests, enthusiasm and personalities don't match..

But I have found in you
A heart that pleads forgiveness
Replacing all these thoughts
Of painful memories
But I know
That your response will always be

that's why right now I'm officially letting go of you.

(Chorus)
I'll take you back always
And even when your fight is over now
Even when your fight is over now
I'll take you back always
And even when the pain is coming through
Even when the pain is coming through
I'll take you back

I don't know if you are purposely trying to avoid having to do anything with church.

You satisfy this cry
Of what I'm looking for
And I take all I can
And lay it down
Before the throne of endless grace, now
That radiates what's true

but please don't.

I'm in the only place
That erases all these faults
That have overtaken me
But I know
That your response will always be

I still like you, I still do, but I'm just waiting for my feelings to fade off.

I can only speak
With a grateful heart
As I'm pierced by this gift
Of your love

It's been nice getting to know you, and I hope that we'll always be friends.

I will always bring an offering
I can never thank you enough

May you truly find someone who fits you so much better for I don't, and may you discover that you can never run from God for He'll always find you and wait for you to come to Him.

God Bless you, my dear friend, may we spend a wonderful two years and more together.
Someday soon I'll wake, to find my heart won't have.. to break..

- magic

Whoops actually I got A,B,C,C for Chemistry, Economics, Math and Knowledge and Inquiry respectively cos I forgot to include the essay grades.


Haha guess I really have to be thankful because I didn't expect to do so well in many areas but still did.


Phew.



Well my holidays are duper packed mann..


So many many projects, choir pratices and studying for term exams to take care off.


I get to skip two of my papers, namely Chemistry and Math cos I'd be off to tour halfway through the term-exams.


I half want to and yet half don't want to skip.


But oh well, not like I have a choice.


And it's not like I'm regretting it either because..





Today something phenomenal happened.


It happened in choir.


I saw a glimpse, if ever only so slightly, of what making magic past the music technicalities is like.


And it has changed my mindset totally.


A new dimension has opened.


I always wondered whether I had gotten the magic yet, cos I definitely have acquired the passion.


Maybe my vocal technique is not so there yet but when you search for magic..


You know when you've found it.


It's not just about the meaning of the song..


It's..


I don't know..


I can't really put it into words..


And I'm really excited to enter that realm once more.


The realm of being one with the music, conductor, choir and audience all at the same time.


I only got a glimpse today.


Hopefully I'll be able to find the way to slip directly into the current soon.


Then everything will be magic.


And the ACJC choir will mean much much more than ever.


Cos' the choir has always been and is and always will be all about magic.


God's musical magic.

whole new playing field

My grades as of now:

All are a combination of the two common assessments.

Chemistry: A

Math: C

Economics: D

Knowledge and Inquiry: D






In ACS Barker, things were vastly different.


The students there were different, and a slightly less capable cohort of students went there for secondary education.


Yup, that's the truth.


We just could not compare to independent schools when it came to academics simply because..


We couldn't.


The people who came in varied vastly.


That's why we were never trained in independent study.


We were never adept at learning outside of the textbook.


The TYS was our main focus.


Do well in the prelims and you have much reason to panick because our prelims was barely above the O' LVL standard.


All our short attention spands, lack of discipline both in academic, atheletic and artistic pursuits often left us near the bottom.


Don't even start about Chinese grades.


Lowest in Singapore is all that needs to be said.


But though the environment may seem that tragic, to the students it made all the difference.


To me, it made all the difference.


I would have self-distructed then, were I to pit myself against the nations top.


In our Barker environment, being top was not hard to get.


We could play all the time and last minute mug like crazy and still get a decent grade.


That just goes to show how simple our papers were.


One twist in question however, kills 98% of the cohort.


That's why the teachers could not set out of the box questions.


We'd all just fail like crazy.


But top in Barker made you nowhere on the nations count.


Significant, yet insignificant.


Yet it was this drive for prestige that somewhat drove me.


My tuition teacher always said not to compare myself with independent schools for they were leagues away from us.


I finally came to understand that in Sec4 when I began comparing other schools papers to mine.


Ours was really.. easy.


But I am happy that though however small the focus was, it enabled us to produce results at the end of the day.




Onto ACJC, it is an entirely new playing field.


It is a quantum leap of levels.


The people I encounter here are brilliant.


Particularly those in my K&I class.


The way they think, question and synthesize often leaves me in awe.


And I'm having to do much to barely stay on par.


Here, if I don't constantly change my way of thinking, I get left far behind.


A,C,D,D...


That's considered not too good to me.


I could have done better in math but in the other two..


My train of thought is simply not adjusted to play skillfully yet.


I'm having to change to much..


And I need to master my time-management and discipline which is slowly killing me.


I'm no where close to doing so.


But I'm trying.


I'm trying.


Thank goodness ACJC is not the highest level institution.


If it were, I'd be having depression now.


But we still have the best :)


And I only want to compare myself with the best.


The best usually=scholars


Gawssshhh...


I'm am kinda darn friggin super ultra quantum-quadruper far behind them!!!





Or maybe not.





I can reach them.


It just depends how I change.







I will reach them.



I will.



I must.

- erred argumentation -

The other day I almost ponned Project Work lecture (which is crazily boring) just to go back to Barker to get my O' Lvl cert cos I never have the time.


But then suddenly the badge on my chest weighed so heavy that I just couldn't bring myself to do so.


Well I guess integrity struck me once again.


But it wasn't so bad a lecture, cos I had an interesting debate, or rather discussions, with one of my classmates.


Let me just inform you that I very rarely want to use this argument to get people to come to Christ for it is a very fallacious argument.


I also don't know why I used that argument and didn't think of a better way to come across.


I'm so retarded.


Anyway I'm sorry, let me continue.


We were discussing Christianity.


She is kind of a random person with warped ideas of religion and it was quite interesting what she had to say.


Our converstation didn't start of with religion however, it started off more with jobs.


Yup, jobs.


The exterior lecturer was talking about different low-key professions and out of jest I turned to her and said:


"Hey would you marry a road-sweeper??!?"


"Hurh?!? Errr... mmmm..."


"Haha I knew it!! Why?? I bet you look down on them lah!! So evil! haiyo!!"


*Gives me glare*


"So what... I wouldn't mind marrying a fish monger okay.."


"Huh?? Fish-monger?!?"


"Yeah!! Then got fish to eat everyday. And thus I wouldn't starve!!"


"..."


"HAH NOW I GOT YOU!!!! BET YOU WOULD NEVER MARRY A FISH MONGER LAH!!" she said, then tried to use my own statement of being snobbish against me.


"Haha fine fine... you win.. yeah actually I wouldn't.. and only in one condition I would."


"huh?? what condition?!? if you were a fish monger too right?!?"


"Hahaha wah now you looking down on me haha!! No lah.. I only would if God told me to."


*She gives me very blank stare*


"I'm sorry what?!"


"huh?? I would only marry a fish monger if God told me to lah!!"


"If God.. told you to?!?"


(she's not a christian btw, but I thin you already can tell)


"yeah why??"


"God... tells you stuff?!?!?!?!?!"


*her look ever becomes more incredulous*


"Yeah.. I sorta talk to Him every night.. and of course He talks to me too."


0.0


"Really?? You mean you... can hear Him?!?"


"Yeah I can.. Well it's not like an audible voice, but I can form out what He says as He speaks to my mind."


"Then isn't that voice inside your head?!?"


"Yeah that's what I thought too at first. But then I realised it couldn't be me as what I heard would never be what I would say to myself."


"err.. I see.."


Silence for a moment.


Then she begins:


"How do you know God really exists?!?"


"hurh?!?"


"Yeah like heaven and all that stuff.. after we die I think we just go to some place in limbo lah, some grey dull area between heaven and hell."


*now my turn to give incredulous stare*


But oh well I sorta saw that coming.


"What is heaven to you."


"I think I'm in heaven now. I have loving parents, and I think I am living a good life." she replies.


"Let me ask you then, do you have any wants?!?"


"uhh.. yeah.."


"Any hurts?!?"


"Yeah.."


"then don't you think that this is not heaven cos in heaven we don't lack anything?!"


"I.. guess so.."


Then she continues:


"But I don't want to be those people that journey to someplace."


"hurh what?!?"


"You know.. those that make some journey super far to go to some holy place lah."


"Oh you mean like Mecca for the Muslims??"


"Yeah that kind."


"haha err no actually we Christians don't do that?!?"


"Really?!? I see."


Then here it came, my very wrong argument. I have no idea why I used it. I read it on a debate website beforeand that's how I came to know of it.]


"Well Yuling( thats her name), put it this way. Christians are not like this but it's worth pondering about this point. Suppose you were a Christian. You received salvation and led a morally upright life and after you die, you discover that your belief in an all-powerful God is really true and thus you enter heaven where you live happily ever after. That sounds great right?!?


Now suppose you were a Christian and when you died you discovered that Christianity really was false and Buddhism was real instead and you rebirth as some other entity. But since you have been living a morally upright life, then wouldn't you rebirth as something wonderful for is that not the ways of Buddhist or any other religions?!?


Now suppose you were a non-Christian and when you died you realised that indeed there was a heaven and a hell and the Christians were right all along. In this case you can't go to heaven even if your life had been upright cos you didn't receive salvation, and you'd end up in hell for all eternity!! Much worse if your life had been morally wrong.


Finally suppose you were a non-Christian and when you died you discovered that the Christians were wrong, and instead you do end up in some kind of limbo or get re-born or just completely die off, then even if you were a Christian nothing would change.


My point being, what harm is there believing in Christ? For if there really is a God and Christianity were true, then you'd go to heaven!! And if heaven is not there, then you'd still be rewarded justly in your next life or whatever won't you?!? What if you don't believe, and there indeed turns out to be a Heaven after all?!? Wouldn't you feel like a big right idiot who got the chance to believe yet didn't and ended up in hell forever?!?"



She ponders my argument for a really long while, and sort of agrees with my point.


Then the bell goes and I rush to the bus stop before the rain starts.


I don't think I ever want to say that again because it is not right.


Christians shouldn't believe just because of that.


There is heaven of a world more.


If you get what I mean.


^^)

- love that makes the difference -

Lately I've been caught in the vicious cycle again.



I shall term it the "Depressing Posting Cycle" haha.



It's when I enter a bout of posting that sounds so depressing.



And you and I get sadder and sadderer when we read it.



But no, my life is not that horrible.



In fact it's not depressing at all!!



Sure some things in the past few weeks have gone to put me at a new low.



But then again those are the very same things that brought me to another high.



Guess this is what maturing feels like huh..



Haha my life is great!!!



I am enjoying myself all the time.



I think I should smile more.



Okay nvm that was so random.



So anyway I wanted to post about something else depressing today.



But I've decided that no, I have to break out of the cycle once in a while!!



Haha time to switch mode!!



HEELLLLOOO EVEEERRRAAYYEEEOoNNEE!!!!




tis' a wunnerful sundae morning!!!



And I shall post something lovely so that everyone won't become sad.



No I am not high right now.



I just woke up.



I only get super high when I'm super tired and that's when I'm super about to fall super asleep.



Super get it??



Okay anyway.



You know I've been thinking about this for a long time now.



I wanted to post it for a long time now but.. Just was too lazy XD



I haven't had a maid for errr... I think slightly less than ten years.



My mom took over all the household duties since then.



I'm gonna talk about food haha.



You know your mom/my mom has a few dishes that she constantly whips up for dinner.



Unless your mother is super chef #101 then I have nothing to say.



But if she's not super chef #101 then I'm sure you'd understand what I'm trying to say.



She always cooks the same things.



Things that you don't really like but you don't have a choice but to eat it.



And when she cooks something new, if you don't like it, you'd croak out thank you but have a pouted face through dinner.



And you simply can't wait for the weekends when they'd take you out to dinner where you gorge yourself like crazy.



And since young I've always dreaded the times I had to eat home cooked dinner.



And I got scolded alot for pouting.



But I've come to realise.



That those dishes are in fact.



The best after all.



Sure outside food may taste, smell and look better.




But mother knows you best.



Mother loves you best.



She knows your favourite dish.



Your taste and preferences.



Even in a busy day she still can quickly cook some nice dishes you satisfy everyones apppetite.



Or at least sufficiently.



Chefs worldwide may have accolades and prizes for cooking the best dishes in the world.



But mother will always get my prize.




You know why?



Cos all those chefs cant beat my mom in terms of the love put in when they cook a dish.



My mom cooks dinner with the family in mind. With me in mind.



My mother who hugs me dearly each day, and wants the best for me, wants to make the best for me.



And I think I have overlooked this for abit too long.



If you have, won't you join me this week in the build up to Mothers Day 2006??



Take the chance to thank her profusely for each dinner, no matter how horrible, she makes for you??



Give her >5 hugs a day, and do something wonderful for her this week won't you??



Yupp.



Smile Everyone!! =D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D

- forgive -

It's so often said in today's society.


"I forgive you."


Forgiveness.


The pardon we give to those who have wronged us.


We say it 'doesn't really matter.'


'It's alright.'


'It's okay.'


'I'll forget/I have forgotten about it.'


But that is not right.


We are severely wrong if we thought that.


For forgiveness is the exact opposite.


Even I am stumped by this profound yet simple truth.


Forgiveness is not when it doesn't really matter.


It's when it does matter.


Forgiveness is not when it's okay.


It's when it's not okay.


It's when it's not alright.


Forgiveness is not when you can easily forget it.


It's when you will never ever be able to forget about it.


That's what forgiveness is.


Definitions of forgiveness (Dictionary.com):
1. To excuse for a fault or offense.
2. To renounce anger or resentment against.


To renounce anger or resentment against..


My goodness.


Will I ever..


Will I ever be able to forgive myself.


I don't know.