i Failed... again...

Been feeling real uhh.. you know... tight these few days.. as if something was burdening me down... so this morning on the way to school I was like.. fine God.. You want me to talk to You.. I'll just have to friggin' talk yo You then. So I had a little chat with God on the way to school and just started like pouring out everything about why and whatever for to Him..

But you know what... He didn't have to answer.. for i knew every little thing He wanted to tell me exactly at the point i finished asking.. Yes i'm still quite cheesed off at what He did but.. now it hit me that... I had just failed the second test...

Indeed I know that I can worship God in my own special time and space and be ministered to by Him quietly.. actually I knew that all along.. this time i was searching for the second part to the equation.. the thing that nobody so far has answered yet.. nobody.. but some book did.. it's called the Bible..

So God put me through all this to test if my intentions were right.. if I wanted to play for the right thing.. He Knew.. yes He knew that my intentions were not right.. He knew i was playing for self-glory.. He knew I had and still am jealous over the fact that I wasn't chosen to play for a major event such as Fusion.. He knew i had far too much pride.. He KNEW. and to see if I would break HE tested me by doing what He did. (read earlier post)

And I fell..
I fell so far...
I fell into darkness..
and only there in my highest point of rage was i humbled..
was i still..
was where i found myself again..
was where i renewed myself again..
was where i commited myself again..

So i had to fall for Him to be glorified. I had to fall to grab hold of myself again. I had to fall to grab hold of Him again. I HAD to FALL so i could stand in and with Him again and not my my own strength no longer. I had to fall so i could see again.

Geez.. It took so long for my pride to break eh.. Haiz... Thanks for all the encouragement brothers and sisters.. It helped quite abit.. It helped bring me back to the place i belong...

But.. i failed again

Can't think of a friggin' title

Woohoo!! Havent written in so long. Guess it's juz cos' i can't find the time. (Yeah right i'm just lazy.)

So yesterday was Fusion 05'. Haiz... I guess I'd call it.. unexpected. Why?
Well... my version of the event was to go there, have an awesome time of worship, be ministered to by the wonderful pastor Benny Ho, rededicate my life back to God and go home feeling great. But nooo... things were not as planned.

The actual version: Halfway through the 3rd song Yangshen called me out for an emergency. It was because there were too many people and the Close-Circuit Tv connecting to the late-comers(which were.. like ALOT) did not work so the stanby plan was to have the non-fusion band come in to play at the sanctuary. To cut a long story short. The pastor preached at the sanctuary instead and in the end the standbys were not needed cos Pastor Norman Wong did the after sermon worship for the extra people. Not my Wesley Band. I'm still trying to figure out what God was tying to say to me. Why could not my version work? Why did i have to miss half the worship and sermon?

Why? I'm still looking for an answer. Haiz.. Not really in the mood to go and think one out right now. I guess sometimes in life we have to be prepared for the worst but... We still were not called. I mean.. If I was not really needed at the end I'd rather have not been called out halfway through the third song where the dancers were dancing wonderfully, were the music was fantastic, to throw myself into a frenzy happening outside the hall. I mean like GOD!!!! WTFREAK MANN!!!!!! I wanted to worship YOU!! Listen TO YOUR WORD!!! Feel a fresh anointing of YOUR SPIRIT!! Rededicate MY LIFE back to YOU!! And NO0O0O0O0 YOu did not let that happen. WHY??!?!?!?!?!? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT is it You are trying to tell me

screw it

Spiritual Checkpoint Status

Spiritual Checkpoint Status: Failed

'What do i mean?' you ask.

Today at school during recess I was queueing up to buy food behind some Sec3 guy with my classmate. The guy asked my classmate who had made it to the team and I replied: 'not you'. He froze for awhile then went on to ask me if I was. Out of IAbsolutelyDunnoWhat I replied:' I'm not in tennis anymore you **** ****.' (He too was in tennis). My classmate then said to the guy: 'He's very vulgar right??' and this is what he replied: "Ya, and he's the worship leader somemore."

"Ya, and he's the worship leader somemore."

That sentence stuck with me(and still is) for the rest of the day. What is it?? The sheer joy of getting your friend's approval through course language use?? The way after saying a vulgarity everyone laughs at the victim?? *sigh*. I spent the rest of the day apologising to God and asking for his forgiveness. It's at little times like these that we are given reality checks. You will never know if and when you pass, but when you fail, you know its time for a spiritual checkup and confession.

" With it we bless the Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, this should not be." -James 3:9-10-

Haiz... Something else happened that got me really upset today too. But I'll save that story for another time. Bye

10 Ridiculous Things I've Ever Done

Happae New Year!!!! Woohoo!! School starts in tomorrow! but, heck, mebbe im getting to sluggish and fat so mebbe school will do some good. So for now as i promised:

The 10 most Ridiculous Things I've Ever Done:

1.Glue Sniffing?? Nope.. mebbe Chlorine
-Yes.. i took one huge whiff of chlorine absent-mindedly as i could not smell it from afar... wooooooo... i think i blacked out for like.. two seconds after that and couldn't breathe properly for some time. Bleah.. really dumb man..

2.Back Breaker
-Back in Pri. school (i think Pri 3/4), i was just swinging back and forth on a railing just before some steps. For no reason i let go, flung myself foward, plummeted toward the steps and landed my back directly on one step. Woo... I remember just sitting there praying the hardest i had ever had in my life.. i seriously thought i would die then. Well.. miraculously nothing serious happened and although my back does give me some problems i haven't told anyone about this incident. Ouch!! My most physically painful ridiculous accident ever.

3.Skirt Chaser
-Aiie... brings back embarrasing and painful memories.. I was p4 then, and i chased after a p5 girl back then in my old church who liked my brother and used me to get close to him. Really broke me when i found out.

4.Law-Breaker
-Haiz.. my most embarrasing public incident. I was about Pri.3/4 again then and i used to buy snacks and open them in the mrt to eat. That day my cracker packet was unusually hard to open and i had to use extra strength. Yea, u got it. I ripped it apart and the crackers flew EVERYWHERE!!! CRAP!! And as school was in the afternoon then it was about peak hour when the incident happened!!! i was SOOO Embarresed. Luckily some kind ppl. helped me to clean up and offered me tissue... bah.. *shudders*.. i like.. broke two laws at once... Eating in mrt and littering...

5.It's called getting priorities right
-Giving up tennis.. deciding to go full force to sustain the choir.. really regretted it.. totally dont play now but.. still yearn to sometimes.. haiz... well i hope i made the right choice.

6.DETENTION
-Stupidest thing i've ever done in school. Lit up a match for $10 in an air-con classroom. It was straight to detention man.. luckily we extinguished it quickly if not the sprinklers would have gone off.. haha. Sigh! broke my perfect record. Very first and shall be my only detetion.

7.-Rejected-
-Haiz... this happened just last yr.. coming to a totally new church... chasing after some girl i didn't noe at all in my best friends group.. Being shelled and lectured by two of her friends over messenger.. Being blocked by her in our very first convo.(CAN you believe THAT???!?!?!?!) wA Lau.. sucked lah.. ouchies... but.. it was darn stupid and mindless of me in the first place lah..

8.when swearing, beware the sudden teacher
- This happened during P.E. I swore like quite loudly during soccer as someone stole the ball from me. And guess who was behind. LAI CHIEH MIN the pe teacher from my chhurch!! ARGH!!! He gave me a choice.. either pump twenty or detention. Obviously it had to be the pumping. Dumb man...

9.Hp No.
-I asked for a girls hp. no. at Heeren sometime back in September 03'. Well i wasn't rejected!! haha.. it was a challenge between me n my friend to see who would get it first. Well i did!! But later i found out behind her very cute face was a character i didn't fancy... but heck.. one of my closest friends is now her boyfriend for over a yr now. Kudos to them. Lol.. Still can't believe i actually asked for a stranger's no. .. oh well

10..I.. couldn't..
-Back to serious stuff.. i couldn't be there at my grandad's funeral... i was in the midst of exams then and my whole family had gone to KL for the funeral.. leaving me behind... sigh... he was my fav. grandad.. always joyful and cheerful.. and loving.. and i couldn't be there.. i wasnt allowed to be there.. to see the last of.. him..sigh... really regret it.. not being there... alot

Yeah so there you have it... there was supposed to be one more but i couldn't remember so i had to sub in one point. Take Note: These are things that won't affect me anymore so don't bother to try to poke fun at me with them. Well... Tomorrow sch starts.. haiz.. well.. CHEERS anyway... ;D