-poof!-

From young I always wanted to grow up. I hated being small and unregarded by the adults.

I wanted to be big, tall, strong, smart. Not some half-aboriginy stuck at home all day with nothing but the telly.

My brother was who I aspired to be.
I wanted to be like him.
He had cool friends, he was funny, always could come home late, was smart, okay so maybe he wasn't the hunk that he is now then, but he went to ACS(I) too.

He was popular with the church guys, and a girl I liked back then(can you imagine how small I was haha) liked him.That was all the reason that made me want to be him.

I used to enviously watch him use the com for however long he liked, playing some computer game or another. Would complain to my folks each time he could stay out till late and always wanted to follow him everywhere, to his parties and stuff even though I was an irritating little bugger.

But he didn't exactly like me back then.

This was when I was in my Primary School age.

Before this time, my brother used to play with me. We'd go play soccer in the rain together, jump on beds together, roller blade together, just do crazy stuff together n end up getting caned together too.
I always looked up to him, he was darn good in blading and skiing and like everything.

Then one day everything changed. He just suddenly stopped being so nice and fun. I suddenly felt alienated from him. Now as you can imagine me as a young confused child then who had absolutely no idea what went on.

Without need to say, of course, it was maturity works. But I really missed the times we played together, even when I discovered why.

Then I began thinking hard, how to be exactly like him. But as time went by, it's like kinda hard to explain. It's like you wanted to be your own person yet like someone else? Yeah that kinda thing.

And so, I tried practically everthing to shoot up. Make others notice me. Didn't matter if I was a fool then, I just wanted to be more noticed. My brother couldn't always take all the attention. And I did.

I grew so fast. Just didn't do childish stuff anymore one day even when my peers still were at it. Tried to look as mature and cool as possible.

Till one day, I finally looked back in retrospect and found out that I had grown up way too fast.

I used to live to hear people say 'oh wow you've grown so big now!' but that's not exactly what I like to hear anymore.

But I can't help it, I've got people telling me I could pass off as old enough to enter pubs. "which JC are you from? or NS?"

Sigh... I gave up some of my childhood to quickly become a teen. Haha not very sure that was the right choice.

Now I absolutely don't want to grow anymore. Let me be 15. Let me look 15. I don't mind going back to the days with just tv. Or would I?

Haha life's full of uncertainties ain't it. Well looks like I can't change anything now.

But one thing is sure, I still wanna be my brother.

Woah he's one hot hunk. His chest muscles are the size of boulders. He's good looking, smart BUT for some unknown reason he does not give a cahoot about girls.

Haha I have absolutely no idea why but I guess I want to be like him in that aspect sometimes. So any hot girl you want to introduce to this eligible bachelor? Haha..

He was/is however quite unsociable. I mean he's not and introvert but he doesn't have a wide circle of friends and if he liked a girl he wouldn't go out of his way to find out about her.

Phew. Lucky I'm not like that. Guess that's want of the good traits about wanthing to be 20 when your 10. You try to friend the whole world to get there.

Mmm.. I'm fifteen for a moment.. It's one lovely moment.

-rooftop-

So maybe I'm fat.

And maybe I don't retaliate to all your provocations.

Maybe I don't violently strike out and tell you to stop it.

Maybe I don't curse and swear back at you each time you start.

Maybe I take ALL of most of your bullshit.


But I'm not Jesus.

I have a limit.

Proverbs 19:26-27,
'Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death, is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, "I am only joking!"'

You wanna poke one or two fine.

Don't overdo it.

I don't care if you're joking. Look back at the verse.

Don't think I don't feel anything when you start your 'joking'

It's just not funny sometimes.

Ignorance has a roof.

Patience has a fence.

Kindness has a barrier.

Self-control has a line.


Do not cross any of mine.

-the exit doors that lead in-

I almost did it again.


Almost made the same mistake.


But this time it was different.


But it was the same.


Different? I've never been a sound board before.


Same? It's not much different from the past.




I can't trip on the same rock more than twice.


I can't even believe I tripped twice.


I want to go back.


Change half of what's behind.


But that will just make me fallible now.


Some people just have it all don't they.


Some people don't.


I don't.




Now I'm even more afraid of opening doors.


One day I eventually will open the right one.


I already missed one.


And I think I just opened another wrong one.


One that leads back in.


I hate opening those doors.


When will I ever find the right door.


One that opens up to what I never thought of before.


No not paradise but what's closest to it.


I'm not asking for perfection.


Though sometimes I tend to look for it.


Or alot of the time.


I don't know.




I hate opening wrong doors.


I have no one esle to blame of course but myself.


I hate getting cut.


Getting cut deep.


But I'm over that now.


But scars remain evermore.


Ugly scars.


Should one kill emotions?


It sure helps but.


What happens if I find the right door?


Will I be able to find back emotions?


God help me.



Show me the door.


Show me which level it's on.


But at Your anoited time and place.


In this building called.


relationships.

living in the now

Hey everyone.

Funny how it is[hahaThatsTheFirstLineOfThatShouldBeLife] that everyone says time flies by like super quantumdruper fast? I don't know why.. Like you were just six yesterday or you were 12 last week. The funny thing is: If that is so, then I would remember exactly what I did.

Problem is, I don't.

I mean yea, I did realise time did suddenly teleport me into Primary 4, but after that moment when I suddenly realised that, it seemed time didn't fly no more. Not that I'd been living every moment as if it were my last since then or living life to the fullest cos if I was then WHAT AM I DOING IN SCHOOL!

I don't know. Someone told me that when you are in Secondary School, time don't seem to fly by. It's till after you leave. When you enter army or something, that it suddenly plummets you in the head.

"Next thing you know it's back to mugging for 'a'lvls"
"Next thing you know it's being shaved for NS"
"Next thing you know you're mugging for a degree"
"Next thing you know you gotta work out how to provide for your child's education"
"Next thing you know you're 60.."
"Next thing you know.."
"Next thing you know.."
"Next thing you know.."

OKAY so like stop reminding me already. I'm still 15!! ALL YOU 16 YR OLD ELDERLY LOSERS!! Haha kidding. I mean like yeah, take life one step at a time. Sure I gotta plan for my future and stuff but gimme a break man. If I had to plan till my deathbed now I'd have a fatal freak attack and drown in depression.

Take note that I don't mean don't plan my will, that's different. I mean plan my life in detail. And chances are, it is improbable to actually do so. Only like.. nothing would be in exact accordance with my plan? Or would it?

Hmmm... I'm confusing myself here..

My point??

Umm.. I don't know..
The thing is.. I'm fifteen now.. I don't care if it's just for a moment.. so come mock me on by birthday... which is vvveeeeerrrryyy farrr away.. just like NS =D
haha...

I'm fifteen!! Woohoo feels good to be young. Make the most of youth!!
While you still have it..

-rawr-

consumate

There's no absolute in this world.

No song that the whole world will like.
No actress or actor that everyone will adore.
No topic that all will be interested in.
No TV show that will captivate every viewer.
No medicine that cures all.
No money that can satisfy all desires.
No food that all would enjoy eating.
No day that is exactly the same as the next, or the one before.

There is no telling what would have been different could you have changed one thing.
What if you had been one minute later in waking up? One moment later in deciding to take that step? How much of the world would have been different? I'd say there'd be infinite parallel universes if that were the case.

Time travel? In the future someone invents it? What if people in the future are already teleporting to now? They teleport into our room when we are in school or something. Infinite parallel universes.

Heh.. guess I've been reading far too many science fiction novels. Chaos theory states that so much as the flutter of a butterfly's wings could cause a tornado half-way round the world. That's a probability, taking into account all the trillions of factors that woud lead to it.

What am I saying anyway.

However, it does not matter if there really were infinite parallel universes with infinite improbability fields. There is an absolute. And not of this world. No I don't mean some alien that probably would be invading us now in some other parallel dimension. I mean the one true being. One that does not change. One that is all consuming, all knowing, all powerful. One true saviour that can take all the sins of this world away. I will know His name someday, and I terribly look forward to it.

Right now guess I just have to be contented with calling Him God.

#8

Hey everyone.

Something happened kinda recently which.. rather put me in place.. Sometimes you just can't win the whole world I guess. Actually alot of the time. Or the times you actually notice.

Get that? No? Read it again.

Soo..

I decided..

To write a song..

Well previously I could not get past the first line but something similar made me think back again today. I guess I'm not in that much of anger as I was previously though I was super tired and almost forgot what I composed when I awoke from my nap.

Anyway it's me very 1st contemporary song thankyou, and umm.. yeah my 8th song so far.

Contemporary? No holy lyrics inside.

Here tis':

That Should Be Life
Copyright 2005 by me again
Funny how it is..
When you fall..
Suddenly realised you weren't..
That great at all.. and as you

Sit in the corner..
And think back:
'If only I did it this way..
Oh what the heck..'

Pre-Chorus:
Don't you regret
And Don't you fret
Life's like that
So get on back, don't
Regret. Don't fret. Get set Let's GO

Chorus:
Open up your eyes,
Look up to the sky,
It's a wide horizon out there
Don't stay caught up in a nightmare..
Reach out for the sun,
Grab onto a star,
It's not like it's the end of the world
Gotta keep on moving
That should be life..

Umm I'm thinking of a second verse.. so should be up soon..

-cheers-

- Left on a jet plane -

I took the wrong bus today.

But let me start from the top.

I think it is going to be a rather long post of what happened in the last 24 hours so if you are tired don't read.

Basically, to split it up into the four main focuses:
1. My first driving experience.
2. My stay over.
3. My friend's farewell.
4. How I ended up taking the wrong bus.

I can't however write about them seperately as they are all inter-connected so happy reading. Let's go. Oh and I think the 1st part will be rather boring but it's essential.

So anyway, went for dinner after watching War of the Worlds at Suntec City. Hey it was good. Go catch it. Steven Spielberg rocks. Then went for dinner nearby at Millenia Walk. It was also there that I bought a present for Douglas.

Douglas?

My classmate of two years who is/by now has, migrated to Wisconsin USA to study. His flight was at 0645 and I had to be at the airport to send him off. The problem was, I didn't know how. Buses and MRT's don't funciton at 0400.

To cut it short, I went to stay over at a friend's place. Another classmate of ours mom would then fetch the three of us to the airport. And after the farewell I would go back to his house, get my stuff and go to church.

Still with me?

Anyway so back to the dinner. My sis's fiancee was with us and agreed to give our whole family a lift back home, and then me back to Bukit Timah to my friend's place as he stayed nearby too. SO NICE RIGHT!! And he agreed to wait for me whilst I bathed and packed my stuff before heading off.

No. 1: I drove a caaaaaaaaar.
He let me drive. Maybe it was just for only twenty metres but. HEY!! I DROVE A CAR!! WOOHOO!! Lucky the car was on park not drive cos I stepped SUPER hard on the wrong pedal and the engine revved like crazy. Nope I do not have a license. So anyway it was cool and I still can't control a car.. Hey I only drove 20 metres.. No there weren't any police around either.

No. 2: At Amb's Place.
So he drove me to my friend Ambrose's place at Stevens Road where we played DOTA!!!!! And watched Fighter In The Wind. What's that? A true story of how one man became one of the top ten fighters in the world. It was two when I decided to turn in first but he decided to continue playing DOTA.

At around four, WHAM!!! He jumped on me to wake me up. Haiz Amb, always the prankster. He said the other frined was coming around 4 to pick us up but he came at 5 instead. That's one good hour of sleep gone.

So yeah, we headed ofr the airport, still half-conscious.

No. 3: At the airport.
At first I thought there weren't gonna be many people sending Douglas off but there were around 40. 0.0 About 10 girls and 25 or so guys. WOw it was crazy lah. So we met up, hugged n stuf'. And we all gathered at BK at Terminal 1 where I started strumming on my friends guitar and writing spur-of-the-moment farewell songs and waking up half the airport in the process. We did eventually get down to singing 'Leaving on a Jet Plane' by John Denver. Was so sad man.

Finally at the departure gate we took many picturesm sang the school anthem and shouted 'Bye DOUGLAS' so loud that the airport security came running. Haha...

Bye Douglas.. I'll miss you bro.. Will pray for you..
So sad.. He can't come back at all for the next 5 yrs of he'll have to enlist.

No. 4: Everything Else.
So after sending him off went back by train to my Amb's place. Woah the longest stop ever is from Changi to Expo! About 8 mins. But I didn't mind as I was sleeping.

After reaching his place, slept for abt half an hr then headed off to church where I was slightly late. Joined the 9.30 service for bibly study. Then rushed off for lunch and then rushed home to get my tuition stuff before bustling off for tuition again.

Now, just so you get the picture. In the past events for this so far, beside the previous night, I only got 2+ hrs of sleep. So if you can imagine the state I was in, you'd understand.

Had a good long talk with Jerik, this guy from RI who's also from my church, on the way home about relationships. Really was enriching.

Ok. So about how I took the wrong bus.

Now usually I take 74 then change to 88 somewhere in hougang to go to my chem tutors place. But for some exhausted reason, I took another bus which I frequently take which goes to Bedok instead. I only realised sub-consciously after half n hr that I had taken the wrong bus. Silly me.

In the end, I had to change my tuition to the next day and cross the road to take the same bus back home. Where I slept for four hrs straight upon reaching home.

Hmm... the post wasn't exciting as I thought it would be..

Oh well..