an old new

Last night I just broke down in my room.


I've reached the June Spiritual All-Low once again.. no matter how I tried to change this year from the previous..


Why have I been so blind?


Why do I time and time again fail to see who has been and is here all along to love me and watch over me?


Why do I fall again and again?


I asked God these questions last night, I asked Him:


'God, how come you don't speak to me as a friend here would speak to me?'


'God, why do you always speak in such insightful ways?' Always quoting something from the bible, or something I know somewhere inside of me.


'God... for once I just wish the manner in which you spoke was an audible voice...'


But then I realised how utterly stupid my questions were..


God is... GOD.. of course what ever He said, however simple and short, always struck the chord within me..


It didn't matter how He spoke to me.. as long as He did I have all the right to be happy..


And I immediately realised these things when I began questioning..


How foolish am I..


How insignificant, fallible, angst-inducing and sinful..


Yet God still loves me..


Even though I have nothing worthy to offer Him..


Nothing worthy..


Yet He still cares..


I never was and never will be able to comprehend His love for me..


It just takes my breath away each time I think about it..


I took my guitar out and sang two songs that have been sung hundreds of times before..


But I discovered something new again in them...


"The Heart of Worship" and "Here I Am To Worship"


And I just broke down during those songs...


"When the music fades.. and all is stripped away.."


"Longing just to bring.. something that's of worth.."


You know, as a mature Christian you don't break down emotionally anymore..


That happens alot when you are a young christian and you can really feel all your emotions surging through you when the Lord touches you and when you break down you just cry like crazy..


I wasn't able to cry last night... no matter how hard I tried..


Yet I knew all the same that regardless of emotions.. God still embraced me all the same..


All the times I've contradicted myself in the last few weeks spiritually..


He forgives..


And forgives..


And a verse I can safely say I've seen thousands of times came back to me and hit my heart once more..


It goes like this..



John 3:16:

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only begotten son to die for all our sins, that whosoever believes in Him will not perish, but have eternal life.."



How I wish I were in heaven now..


Free of worries..


Free of temptation..


But I know God won't take me back so fast..


Why?


Cos I haven't lived out the great commission yet.


God grant me favor and confidence as I try to evangelise.


Amen.