- i'm a big kid now -

On the way home from church in a single-decker 165 today, I met the prettiest little Indian girl.



She probably was no more than 5, and had eyelashes as long as my fingernails.



She was seated directly in front of me, and like all other kids was making a bit of a ruckus in the bus.



Choosing to be ignorant, I just stared out of the window and watched the houses fly past.



But then soon I realised everything became quiet, and she was staring at me.



I eventually turned to meet her sweet, innocent gaze.



In her eyes, bright sparks of curiousity and in her smile, pure joy of heart.



A sight that I have all too quickly forgotten.



For some reason I had to tear myself away by pretending I had something stuck in my eye.



I had no idea why I did that.



And I had also no idea why I wished she would turn away.



She did, but turned back pretty quickly and started fidgeting about, all the time keeping her inquisitive big eyes focused on me.



I managed to turn back and force a slight smile, and she, as if noticing it suddenly grinned with all sincerity as her big eyes became even bigger.



My heart melted at the sight, and I began to really smile too.



As I turned to press the bell, I caught her following me and pressing the side bell, as if being my imitation, from the side of my eye.



I laughed silently inside.



But once again, I failed to turn back one last time to see her as I headed toward the exit door.



I simply cannot understand why.



I really really really wanted to whisk around and wave a goodbye but I didn't, as I also had wanted to do so so many other times to others.. but..



I just.. couldn't.. though I so much wanted to..



Is society finally getting to me?



The hard-heartedness of life?



I used to be so, so good with kids just a few years back.



I used to try and make babies crack up with laughter in the MRT by making funny faces or doing something dumb.



I knew how to evoke strong emotions within little kids as I led them at children camps and services.



I knew exactly what to say to make little boys and girls stop crying, or not cry altogether.



Not a very easy thing to do if you've ever tried to before.



I remember them avidly chasing me all over the place, trying to catch me by the knees with their tiny hands and fingers.



I used.. to enjoy just being around these little people whose energy never seemed to run out..



And when it eventually did I used to watch them ever-so-peacefully drift to sleep as I watched over them..




But where have all those moments gone now..



Oh how I wish I could just turn time slightly back to be on the bus again..



To do something that would really make the girls day, as her sincere smile made mine..



How I wish I could turn back time to start so many things over again..



But I can't..



Once chance is all I've got..



I hope I don't blow too many of them..