negation

I don't want to go through any more shit.



I've made so so many utterly horrible mistakes in life.



It hurts.



It sucks.



Especially knowing I've brought everything upon myself.



And I've pierced my own heart so many times.



I hate it when I switch personalities unconsciously.



From an I to a S or a D.



Why can't I just be an SC?



Things would be so much easier, I wouldn't have to struggle with so much.



Particularly the false front/split personality aspect.



It really sucks because it's not something that I can control or that I decide.



And of late, I'm really beginning to space out alot.



And I have no idea why.



I thought it was because my thoughts were drifting a certain someone.



But then even when that someone was around, I realised I still spaced out.



Spacing out doesn't equate to thinking of nothing, rather of many many things.



Is this a sign of depression?



Maybe I am depressed.



But if I sleep soundly every night then I shouldn't be right??



Why am I so stupid..



Why am I so foolish..



Why am I being so unfair to all the people around me..



The World isn't a fair place??



Yupp, because of people like me; irresponsible and lazy.



Things would be so much easier under certain circumstances..



But why are they put in this way..



The ways that are the hardest possible..



I'm so so sorry I know I promised not to post or even think of any negative stuff..



But sometimes I just can't help myself..



If only I was given the chance to start afresh, in a place where nobody knows me..



If only I was a farm boy who lived in the outskirts in the middle of nowhere, who attended a quiet country side church and met some simple christian farm girl who would suport me through life and we'd live in our own corner of our small world away from everything else...



If only, if only if only...



If only I'd look around more closely..



And someone should just slap me so damn hard right now..




Because I am born again...



And I can be as many times as I want to..



And I...



I'm not a sinner.. I am a saint..



All of us are...



So I should stop trying to struggle through all this myself...



And let he who Knows, take charge..



Treasure of Jesus by Steven Curtis Chapman


What can I do..?

How can I live?

To show my world,

The treasure of Jesus



What will it take..?

What could I give?

So they can know,

The treasure He is



And if I can sing,

Let my songs be full of His glory

If I can speak

Let my words, be full of His grace

And if I should live or die..

Let me be found pursuing this prize..

The one that alone satisfies..

The Treasure of Jesus



I'm sorry that the website that provides me with songs on the blog doesn't have this song so I cannot upload it.


But I still want to share this song cause it touches me so much.

forgive me, for I know not what I have done.