Tuesday, December 26, 2006

there was a story that i never did tell.

not here, not by speech nor conversation to anyone, no matter how close they were to me.

why?

maybe cos it left too deep a scar that i didnt wanna feel again;
maybe cos i was too embarrased;
maybe cos the memory was too painful to revisit;
maybe cos it'd make everyone think i was so stupid.

why i'm going to tell it now?

maybe i've gotten over it;
maybe i know it won't affect me anymore now.

i don't know.

this is the story, of why i hung up my tennis racket.


i know, i always told others that i stopped cos i wanted to focus my time and energy to the choir and my o lvl studies.


that was not a lie, but it wasnt the primary reason either, though it was a good reason.


as far as i can remember, i had no idea why i picked up tennis.


i just wanted to play a sport i guess, and since i wasnt too bad at badminton, i decided to try my hand at tennis.


soon i was taking tennis lessons at my club and became all ra-ra about it as i was able to pick it up pretty quick, this was around the end of p6 going into sec1.


my dad was a tennis champion at varsity level and he also became interested in playing once again when i picked it up and started to play.


i was really on a passion high then, putting in all my efforts to play and praying like mad that it wouldnt rain on sundays(my training days) and on school training days.


yes though sometimes i dreaded the tough training, i had to admit it kept me pretty fit and was really fun.


i still remember playing hard to get into the school team(though it wasnt too hard) and the disappointment and joy of losses/victories.


and our team, though still 4th place at the nationals, was never really good...


and i had to come to accept that hard fact sooner or later..


i was never a good player, and knew that i was never going to make it as a career, cos there were tons of players out there who had been practicing for so many more years who were so much better that i could ever be..


and i had to resign to the fact that i sucked. and to top that, i made some big mistakes that really got my coach upset too.


eventually our coach gave up on us and when to teach chinese high instead, who were even worse but apparently had players with better attitude, and we got a new coach who was just as good, if not better that the previous one.


the hope he gave us when he came in inspired me so much that i left choir for 3 months to focus on the national tennis season, since the choir didnt have an syf year and got all hyped up to play again.


that was the period wherei started watching alot more tennis and even tennis anime, and trying out new things with my doubles partner, and that year was really a good chance for us to go futher than ever with our team of good players.


however..


my biggest shame also surfaced then.


to begin, i was never really solid at the basics of tennis, the strokes and stuff, and had a lot of problems focusing on playing well when my coach was around.


it was at the jurong club tennis courts, where we were playing i think chinese high, that i really failed badly.


that i...


killed myself in tennis.


we played a really lousy opponent, and i played the worse i had ever played in my life.


i was able to play very well in terms of service in the first few games. my serves were really strong, till my coach came to watch my match. and i dont know why, but i just crumbled.


i just couldnt serve properly and ended up serving worse than a girl to get the ball in.


to top that, my forehand totally wasnt working at all, and i couldnt hit properly no matter how hard i tried...


and my partner and i still tried out a new formation that we were working on even though i was so lousy..


i can never ever forget the words my coach said to me after that, the words that left me broken:


"if not for ernest(my partner) we would have lost. do you know how shitty you played out there? the st patricks tennis team boys were laughing at you, saying how lousy you were, that playing you would be too easy! and worst of all, you had THE CHEEK to try out that formation!"


i couldnt take the pain for the rest of that day. i just was totally turned off.


and the match just before the semifinals, i got owned totally by the stpatricks guy.


i just gave up after that. told my coach that i wanted to drop out of the tennis team when the season had ended.


i attended the cca trainings for a while after that but just gradually stopped going.


all the cca records still appeared in my cca cert though, but to me, it was just a taint to make me never forget my horrifying experience.


since that day, i hung up my racket.


i never played hard again cos the memory would just come back.


i think ive completely lost all my skill now, not that i ever had very much, and although sometimes i still feel the urge to swing freely once again, i know i cant. time just wont allow me.


well lucky for me, ive got something else to focus on now, and i know now how never to end up where i was before.


this is the end of my story.


the one i never told, till now.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

seasons blessings

the year is finally ending.

so many things have happened this year, and i shant try to list it down or it'll take me forever haha.

the memories are so vibrant and full, the experiences so unforgettable, from the extremely painful times to the bubble-bursting joyfullness and from the stoning/spacingout to the peaceful and more serene times...

each thing had its purpose in making my year that much more special..

and i have to say..

though i may have thought otherwise alot at times, the year couldnt have passed any other way better..

and it was perfect.

and i now know how much further i can go, and as long as i dont measure myself against anything, ill never stop.

i just wanna make a shoutout right now to everyone who has been such a blessing to me,



THANKS FOR BEING PART OF MY LIFE, I TREASURE EACH AND EVERY MOMENT SPENT AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU SO MUCH IN THE YEAR AHEAD!!!!!!!

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Monday, December 18, 2006

away

hi. this is a bit of a song i wrote recently haha.
yeah.
its not quite done yet and the volume is really soft but if you can turn it up its quite clear.
hope you like it.
pardon the not so high quality.

p.s.:i like the intro :)

OKAY OKAY OKAY I HAVE NO IDEA WHY THE MUSIC PLAYER HAS RAISED MY SONG BY A FEW KEYS AND MADE ME SOUND LIKE A SOUTHPARK/PUNKROCKCHICK VOICE IN ADDITION TO MAKING MY SONG 10 TIMES FASTER!!!

haha please pardon the player while i sort out whats wrong. but i must admit, this voice actually sounds quite nice and recorded hahaha. you should hear it. dont die laughing.

if you want the full chorus ask me and ill send you the proper version. yupp.

His gaze is out the window
But thoughts are far away
He may be with many people but his
Minds not there to stay

And he’s aware that he is barely there..
And he wonders why each hour, searching his heart and soul for why he doesn’t care

He wants to, run to the moon
Or rather, sink to the ocean floor just,
Run away, start anew
Far from all that’s real and true
Fly to a star, or maybe
Freeze in Antarctica just
Hide in a box, addressed to nowhere
Instead of facing what’s right there…

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

quote-tar

haha i came across some funny quotes that i'd like to share this post.


1) "Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports." - Rita Rudner


2) "Women really do want to be on time. It's just everything starts so darned early." - Sela Ward


3) "Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute." - Gil Stern


4) "If you're going to do something tonight that you'll regret tomorrow morning, sleep late." - Henry Youngman


5) "A critic is someone who knows the way but can't drive the car." - Kenneth Tynan


and the last one that I like the best,


6) "Whether I force myself to eat the onions or throw them sparingly away, the Africans would still be famished." - Claire Neubronner

Friday, December 08, 2006

- changemaker -

what does it take to change your world?

to be the change.

i'm not discouraged anymore, cos the message spoke right to my heart.

i've got to be bold.

i've got to make the prophetic moves cos if i won't, who will?

i once heard that it takes an average of 7 invites just to get someone down to church, and the probability of the person then coming to accept Jesus is rarely ever 100%.

but.

there still is the probability, no matter how small it may be, and the odds stack up to nothing against God+me.

i think i've only sent 3/4 invites so far??

so i guess i have no reason to be discouraged =)

i may be the most foolish person, but being foolish for all i stand for, for what's true, for what's holy, for what's changed my world and turned me upside down with unconditional love?

worth it.

every moment.

"plant the seed and God will do the rest.."

revival starts with me.

revival.

Father give me the strength not to be put down, to be one of the few workers who bring in the harvest, to change my world by being the change, to judge none but myself, to invite all for all are chosen, to never give up and to seek Your perfect counsel first; not by my might not power, but by the Spirit of God, for a generation that's lost that they shall find what their calling in life is; how differently wonderful the world is with You around.

Amen.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

All Things New

Alright enough with the mundane stuff, YOUTHCAMP IS HERE!~!!!!!!!!!!

Haha it's going to be really hard to juggle choir practices with the camp schedule but I'll do it somehow =)))))))))))))

On a side note, I just updated my com with a new windows xprofessional sp2 FINALLY, and installed a 100 gig hard drive (nofairmybrohasa400gigone:(:() and with all the new additions my com feels pretty brand new.

INTERNET EXPLORER 7 TOTALLY ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Haha I totally love it! I think it owns mozilla firefox :P:P:P:P

It's really cool and easy to download from the website so you all should go try it out :)

Alright I don't really have much to say today, and I'm off to do some math and pack up for chem which started 4 hours ago.

Bye people!!!!!


from the inside out of my soul, cries out...

Friday, December 01, 2006

break-point

Isn't it funny how you never realise how fragile you were?


You think you are strong, able to hide behind a facade of self-ignorance, laughter and pride..


While at the same time subconsiously aware that you are selfish, irresponsible and an exploiter..


And how you arrive at break point suddenly when what built up over months and years suddenly explodes on you and causes you to implode...


And for those next few moments you feel like the shittiest most rotten undeserving garbage that isn't worthy of anything and the world would be better off without..


That's exactly how I felt yesterday..


I broke down..


Bad...


What I didn't foresee coming all at once plummeted me straight in the face, though it took some time...


And to be able to do naught but bury myself in my tee shirt, drenching it almost instantly with tears, mucus and saliva... in my own corner of the bed between sparoidic coughs and gasps of air..


And the weirdest part was... everything was right.


No false accusations...


Just oneself to blame and abhor..


At that point knowing the all to painful reality.. that I have to change.


I can't rely on others no longer...


It's time to get on my own feet and move ahead, this time helping others...


It's a cold and cruel world out there, and at some point no one is going to be able to be there for me... and to stand tall I have to start now.


Yes I am fully aware I have God too, I'll never forget that...


And yesterday after I finally managed to get a grip of myself...


I started worshipping...


I just played one song over and over again...


And started crying to the point that I was unable to sing and just let the music play on...


The song is "Forever" by Hillsong...


And I know that... God is forever.. forgiving and merciful... and I can't thank Him enough...



I'll worship at Your throne
Whisper my own love song
With all my heart I'll sing
For You my Dad and King

I'll live for all my days
To put a smile on Your face
And when we finally meet
It'll be for eternity

And ohh...
How wide You open up Your arms
When I need Your love
How far You would come
If ever I was lost...
You said that all You'd feel for me
Was undying love
That You showed me through the cross

I worship You my God
I worship You my God
I love You
I love You
Forever I will sing
Forever I will be with You
Be with You



And ohh...
How wide You open up Your arms
When I need Your love
How far You would come
If ever I was lost...